


Beginning at the End

by M_E_Lover



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Angst, Chronic Pain, Depression, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Medical Conditions, Nightmares, Original Character Death(s), Psychological Trauma, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, pain pain and more pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-27 06:02:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8389945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_E_Lover/pseuds/M_E_Lover
Summary: Harold Finch's entire world fell apart after John Reese deployed the Ice-9 Virus. Can he work through the depression and loss of the people he grew to love and the world he inhabited for the last 6 years or will fate intervene?Rated explicit in later chapters.Disclaimer : I own nothing of this great show, I only wish I did!Comments are encouraged and welcomed, please be gentle.Lastly, I have no medical knowledge whatsoever
This is my first feeble attempt at writing anything on my own! Huge thanks to Oddgit for the help and encouragement on this endeavor and for the beta work! All mistakes are my own! Thank you also to the many AO3 writers that have entertained and tutored me unbeknownst to them, unfortunately there isn't enough room to thank them all, I hope that they will know who they are! And also, a special thank you to the great Michael Emerson for being the consummate actor that he is! He is a true inspiration and a wonderful human being!





	1. Chapter 1

When Harold decided to force himself to seek help for the life-threatening gunshot wound to his abdomen he questioned himself hard as to why he should bother… most of his friends were dead and he was the cause. In the end he decided to get the help he needed and to attempt to live on so that John's sacrifice would not be in vain. He berated and tortured himself repeatedly for failing to be able to think through a plausible scenario for deploying the Ice-9 Virus that would enable both he and John to live. But he couldn’t, he'd failed and because of it John Reese; his best friend, was dead, gunned down in front of his horrified eyes.  
As he turned and staggered back to the rooftop door, blood seeping through his trembling fingers, he had a mental image of all the people that he had let down… that he’d failed; Nathan and Grace, Joss, Elias and Root, The Machine and most of all… John. He started to shudder violently, he couldn't stifle the gasps of pain that left his lips with every excruciating step. He turned back to take one final lingering look at the NY City skyline, the city that he loved desperately, glowing ethereally in the early morning sun. He turned again and stepped back through the doorway. The doorway that symbolized the end of everything he held dear.  
He closed the door behind him, the door that would finalize the end of everything that he had worked towards, lived for, gave his all for these last tense and at times horrific years. He needed to move while he still had enough strength to put one foot in front of the other and forward into the unknown. He pressed his hand solidly to the bloody waistcoat and gasped again at the acute pain and pressure in his side. His breathing was growing short and ragged by the moment.  
Would he even be able to find the help he needed to go on with his wretched, disappointing and ultimately failed existence before he lost all strength and will to live? To live for the memory and sacrifice of John Reese? He had to try because he wouldn’t let John down… not again... not if he could help it. He wasn’t sure that he could even make it down the few steps that led to the elevators and give him his one chance at life. His legs were growing weaker as he moved forward with his right foot onto the first step leading towards his only chance at survival.  
The first step achieved, he then gingerly put his injured leg on the next step but the frail and fatigued limb could not withstand his weight and he slumped to a sitting position gasping all the while, the sound excruciatingly loud and stabbing to his ears, echoing in the small cramped stairwell. Sweat poured from his entire body and tears stung his eyes as he weakly tugged his tie loose, leaving gory patches of crimson against the pristine gold silk, and clumsily undid the first two buttons of his tailored shirt. He sat for only a moment to catch his breath as he knew that if he didn’t expedite the endeavor he would surely be dead very soon.  
He took command of his weakening body and stood up slowly; he was leaning against the railing readying himself to move only to feel his leg give out once again. He tried with all his might to hold onto the handrail in an effort to minimize the jolt of impact he was facing as he fell forward. His body swung around backward as he grasped the handrail with all his strength and his slick bloody hands lost their grip and gravity pulled his injured body down the remainder of the stairwell painfully, every movement excruciating in its intensity. He felt consciousness fighting to leave him but he cudgeled it away desperately, refusing to give in. He forced himself up with every ounce of strength and will he had left in him and finally made it to the elevator. Sagging against the wall, it felt like an eternity before the doors finally opened and he fell in hard as he struggled miserably to keep his feet beneath him. The pain was agonizing and every second of consciousness was fought for and ultimately lost as oblivion finally engulfed him.  
#  
“Harold? Harold... Open your eyes please!” Harold heard a soft, sweet voice distantly in the darkness that enveloped him. He knew that voice, the voice of calm, of peace and happiness and he fought desperately to open his eyes.  
_Grace...?_ He couldn’t speak, he tried again in vain to open his eyes but to no avail. He struggled with the darkness that surrounded him and for a fraction of a second, he managed to open them just long enough to see the face of the only woman he ever truly loved gazing at him reverently before he succumbed to the blackness again.


	2. Chapter 2

The man known as Harold Finch for the past six years slowly opened his eyes as the sound of machinery whirred loudly and assaulted his ears. The pain everywhere in his body was intense. He couldn’t make out where he was at first having no glasses on to see. He peered around the room myopically unable to focus on anything but the dark colors and shapes that pervaded the room. He knew that he was in a hospital bed and in a large room, filled with the familiar sounds of medical equipment.   
He then realized that there was someone lounging in a chair close to the bed lying very still, seemingly asleep. He watched as the form moved and turned towards him. There was something familiar about them and as they turned towards him he heard them gasp. “Harold!” The voice of an angel called his name. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.   
“Grace?” His voice rough from being intubated and sounding foreign to his ears. “My glasses, please!” he gasped.   
“Harold! My darling, I’m here!”  
“What’s happening?” he pleaded unable to believe her presence.   
“Here sweetheart, your glasses,” and she gently put them on his face. He couldn’t believe his eyes; he broke out in a cold sweat.   
“How is this real?” he asked disbelief registering in his mind. “This can’t be true. You’re in Italy, I made sure you were safe before…. before I…” he couldn’t finish his thought as an excruciatingly sharp pain shot through his head and it became too much for him to continue speaking, he lost all train of thought as his teeth clamped together and his body began to shake violently. He started to convulse and his eyes rolled to the back of his head and his body seized as Grace screamed desperately for the doctor.  
#  
When Harold next opened his eyes, it was to Dr. Megan Tillman leaning over him speaking to him gently. “Harold, you’re alright now, just keep calm,” she spoke to him as one might speak to a child so as not to spook them. A flash of memory and he became immediately aware of what the last image his mind provided him before going dark. He saw the one thing in the world that would provide him the strength he needed to go on with life and he tried to sit up instinctually in earnest only to have a painful reminder of what state his body was in stop him cold. He slumped back to the bed, tears stinging his eyes and gasping in pain at the sudden movement he just endured.   
“Lie back now, you’ve been injured,” Megan explained to him.  
“Grace? Is she here?” he asked hesitantly, not knowing for sure whether he indeed saw her lovely face or if he imagined it.  
“Yes Harold, she’s just in the next room resting, I finally convinced her to take something to help her sleep, which she hasn’t done since she arrived two days ago, you scared her,” she told him.   
He looked around and realized that they were at one of the safe houses that they had only used once before. The room was painted in rich, warm colors and had antique mahogany furniture and tasteful paintings adorning the walls. It was adjoined with a full bathroom almost the size of the bedroom equipped with a very large tub with therapeutic jets that was easily big enough for two. The house was also equipped to handle any emergency that might have come up for them medically. He remembered that it also housed a state of the art surgery unit.  
“But I don’t understand,” he said.   
“How did you find me, and how did Grace come to be here?” he asked mystified.   
“I received a message from an automated contact, I have no idea who, that you were in the city and needed my help right away,” she paused. “It told me that you had been shot in the abdomen and that you were going to be dead if I didn’t help you immediately and sent me the information for both addresses. So, I got a couple of friends from the hospital to help me find you and I “borrowed” an ambulance. Knowing you, I made sure that I asked only my most trusted and discrete friends to help me.” She answered the look of concern on his face and gave him a slight smirk.  
“Once we got there we found you in one of the elevators on the ground floor.” Harold was rapt at attention as he tried to figure out where she could have gotten that information. He hadn’t told anyone, and he hadn’t had time to have spoken with anyone in between the time he left John and the time it took to get to the rooftop of the building he was directed to by Root, The Machine, rather.  
She went on, “you were practically dead Harold, and you’d lost so much blood, if we had been only a fraction of the time later in finding you, it would have been over.” She took a breath, “After we stabilized you we brought you here and removed the bullet from your stomach. It was hit or miss for a couple of days but thankfully you pulled through.” She paused to let the information sink in.   
“How long has it been since….?” he started to ask but faltered. Megan knew what he was asking.   
“It’s been almost four days since we found you.” She started again, “You went into shock the first time you woke up after seeing Grace.” I think your mind was still too traumatized to comprehend what you were seeing,” She stated.  
“And Grace?” he asked searching her eyes. “How did she…?”  
“I’ll let her explain,” she answered. Harold was so exhausted and fatigued after the short interaction with Megan that he wasn’t sure he could stay awake for more than a minute and the doctor realized it. As much as he wanted, needed to see Grace he didn’t think he could at that very moment, it was too much, too soon, he felt like everything was muddled in his overtaxed brain. “Grace is resting for now Harold, why don’t we let you get your strength up a little and let her get some rest too before you talk to her, alright?” she prompted. He gratefully took her advice and his eyes closed at their own volition. That’s when the nightmares began.


	3. Chapter 3

John’s broad smile welcomed him and his wide-open arms held and warmed him in his embrace. The library was grand and gorgeous in its splendor. The windows were never so clear and colorful, they looked as if they could have come straight out of a cathedral. Harold’s desk was full of keyboards and monitors displaying the binary code that is his second language. Bear bounded from around a bookshelf and promptly knocked Harold off his feet. They laughed as the dog wound around them excitedly; they knelt on the floor to pat and caress their fearless and courageous four-legged comrade.  
“John, I thought you taught him better than to knock me down!” They laughed in exuberance. It was strange he thought fleetingly, that there was no pain in his body and he could move freely.  
It was wonderful to be back at their old haunt. He hadn’t remembered feeling this good in years. Suddenly, the speakers squealed piercingly, shooting a sharp pain through their ears and the computer monitors went dark. They stood up and rushed to the desk. “What’s happening Harold!?”  
“I have no…I’m not…” He was at a loss. Every screen then flashed on to exhibit a stark white display and the words began to slowly spell it out for them.  
HAROLD FINCH…. THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU OR THOSE YOU LOVE…. SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY AND BE DEALT WITH ACCORDINGLY… OR ALL OF YOUR PEOPLE WILL SUFFER IN THE MOST EXTREME WAYS IMAGINABLE…  
Harold looked at John with terror in his eyes. “Harold don't panic, we’ll figure something out.”  
“No John, I have to give myself up.”  
“Are you kidding me!?” John exclaimed.  
“No John, I can’t have you or anyone else die for me, no!” John was stunned.  
“Harold you can’t turn yourself over!” and with that, John took Harold into another hug and held him firm. As John held him he felt the embrace tighten.  
“John what are you…?” He felt John’s left arm move toward his neck and his hand snaked around and began to put pressure on his carotid artery. “John, stop! Stop!” Harold felt himself fading, his knees weakening, unable to hold himself up, he wilted under his own weight as John guided him into the chair. He couldn’t move or say anything but was conscious of John telling him that he couldn’t allow Harold to sacrifice himself… that he was too important to lose.  
“I have to take them out Harold, once and for all!” Then John was gone from the library and Harold turned to the monitors; watching the bloody display footage of John being shot repeatedly while he couldn’t do anything but watch the slaughter playing out on all six screens.  
#  
“John!” Harold called out and woke with a gasp and covered in sweat. He couldn’t get his bearings right away and began to panic. Grace was there in an instant.  
“Harold, it’s Grace I’m here sweetheart…” and she took his hand in hers and gently kissed it.  
“Grace!” he began to sob violently. He couldn’t stop the flow of tears that welled in his eyes and overflowed onto his cheeks and down his neck. “It was all my fault! Everything was my fault!” he whimpered. He was so emotional at the horrific nightmare of seeing John gunned down in front of him over and over and waking to see his beautiful love before him he couldn’t stop himself from breaking down fully. The tears flowed uncontrollably for a long while.  
“It’s alright now my love… it’s alright” Grace repeated those words of comfort to him until he was exhausted form the onslaught and finally able to compose himself. He hurt everywhere and then he noticed the IV in his arm, it was annoying him with its presence. He ignored it.  
“Grace, I’ve missed you so much,” he said tenderly.  
“Harold, I love you and I’ve missed terribly, please tell me, what’s going on?”  
Harold took a steadying breath and began.  
“Please, before I explain things, tell me how you came to be here?”  
“Alright,” she started.  
“Almost three days ago I received an automated message that if I ever wanted to see you again that I needed to get on a plane immediately, that you were hurt and likely to die.” She went on, “it was so strange to hear that you were still alive but I have always had an uncomfortable feeling that you were. The voice, if you can call it that, said that there would be a ticket for me at the airport.” She paused and took a breath. “Of course, I immediately packed a small bag and got on the plane.”  
Harold sat glued to the bed and listened to her account of the events as they unfolded. He couldn’t comprehend what had happened, who was behind this so-called “automated” voice. And then it hit him like a freight train. The Machine! Somehow it was The Machine! It had to be. It must have been dying at the time that everything was happening and in the end, it was still trying to look after him. He was floored. But then again why would he be so surprised? The Machine had been looking after him since its inception. Why couldn’t he believe that in its final moments it was still doing what it could to ensure that its father was taken care of? The ramifications had him tearing up again. He controlled them as best he could.  
“Harold, please tell me what’s happened, what’s going on, and what have you been doing all this time, why have you let me think that you were dead?” tears were now welling in her eyes and she began to weep quietly.  
“Grace… I’m so sorry you’ve had to believe that all this time.” He looked at her and then closed his eyes. She waited patiently for him to go on. “You remember me telling you about Nathan?” she nodded her head in acknowledgment.


	4. Chapter 4

“Nathan and I had built a machine for the government…” he then told her about all the events that led up to the ferry bombing answering her every question along the way. He told her about their contact trying to break into The Machine, how things started to get dangerous when Denton Weeks tried to break into it. How he just knew that they were heading down a dark path.  
“When Nathan and I tried to meet that morning….at the ferry…. to divulge the governments’ ‘secret’ to the press.” He closed his eyes again and paused to take a steadying breath and went on. “It was the last time I saw Nathan alive. And when I saw two government men standing over his dead body, they were there to make sure that all connections made to him were severed, I knew we had gotten in way over our head.”   
Grace saw how upset Harold was and offered to let him pause. “Harold if you want to stop right now; I understand, you can tell me later.”  
“No Grace I must finish it now. I don’t think I’ll be able to go through it again.” He smiled at her lovely, forgiving face and couldn’t believe that she was sitting here and not telling him how selfish he had been and that she never wanted to see him again.  
“When I saw those two men and heard what they had said about finding anyone else involved and ‘taking care’ of them too I got up and tried to get away as fast as I could.” He watched her horrified expression soften for him as he went on.  
“I was badly injured, Grace.” He paused again. “I made my shattered body move to get away and then I saw you come into the fray looking for me. I didn’t know what to do, those men were right there at you as you looked for any evidence of my presence there. I was so scared that they would tie you to me that I ran Grace, I couldn’t stand the thought of you being anywhere near the danger that surrounded me. And then I saw you pick up the book, I saw you thinking the worst, and I decided at that moment that I had to let you believe it, for your own well-being… I had to Grace, please understand. I never wanted to hurt you but I saw no other way. I’m so sorry my love, please, believe me, I’m so terribly sorry.”   
He waited to see if she wanted to ask any more about it and when she didn’t move to say anything he went on.   
“I got myself out of there and found out that the Machine had known the danger that Nathan was in and that I didn’t see it, god damn it I missed it! I was so damn sure and smug about the whole thing and Nathan practically begged me to help him with the Irrelevant numbers, I thought he was just trying to ease his own conscience over everything, and I should have listened to him, to help him!” Harold pounded his fist into the bed and he started to sweat and get light headed.  
“Harold please, just calm down, there’s nothing you could have done.” Grace pleaded.  
“That’s not true Grace!” he snapped. “I could have stopped him and maybe remedied the dire straits that we had gotten ourselves into.” he took a breath and tried to force himself to calm down, trying to ignore the pain and stress he felt. He felt his heartbeat rising, filling his head with an uncomfortable pressure. His sight started graying around the edges and his breathing turned forced and ragged.  
“Harold!” Grace pleaded, “Breathe sweetheart, please!”  
He felt awareness draining from him, his mind lulling into nothingness, he couldn’t breathe, he wanted it to stop, to end the suffering he was going through, and to feel at peace again. To end all the grief and misery he felt. He wanted every burden that he was responsible for to vanish from his soul. He wanted it to be over, finished, he didn’t want to go on living with all that he’d done. As consciousness left him he heard the furious beeping of the medical equipment and above all he heard Grace’s sorrow filled voice begging him to come back to her. And then he heard nothing at all.


	5. Chapter 5

As Harold entered the safe house he was welcomed by everyone with open arms. The joy he felt at seeing the whole gang threatened to overwhelm him. He felt giddy with delight and excitement.  
“Harold what took you so long we’ve been waiting here forever!” Joss’s smile was warm and inviting motioning for him to come in and give her a hug.  
“Don’t tell me traffic held you up,” Elias said teasingly as he went to shake Harold’s hand.  
“I’ll bet it was something having to do with The Machine.” Root laughed.  
“Well, whatever it was he’s here now so we can all relax,” John said dryly.  
“Did you bring the pizza?” Shaw inquired.  
“Doesn’t look like he brought anything,” Fusco interjected with mock irritation.  
Bear barked and jumped with excitement at seeing his master, and Finch leaned down effortlessly and rubbed the dog's belly laughing all the while.  
“Alright let’s get this party started!” Joss interjected and set about pouring everyone a drink from the bar.  
“What shall we drink to? Harold asked.  
“Let’s drink to the afterlife,” John stated and everyone but Harold raised their glasses as they turned to him and stared.  
“What’s the matter Finch, feeling guilty for being the cause of so many of our deaths?” he asked plainly.  
They all laughed cruelly and ogled at him. He wasn’t sure of what was happening and began to feel sick.  
“I… I don’t understand John. What are you… what’s going on?”  
“What’s going on Harold, is that we’re all here to welcome you to hell.” John raised his glass towards Harold again and laughed harshly.  
Harold was aghast at the thought and as he looked around the room at all his friends he watched in shock as their features began to morph into monstrous images of decomposition and decay. Their skin was peeling off their skulls and to his horror they all started to move towards him at once, clamoring to take him down. He moved to get away from the mob of angry people, the people that he loved and was stopped against the wall. He felt them tearing at him, tearing at his clothing, and then he felt his skin being torn from his body, he cried out for them to stop but they continued until he screamed at the top of his lungs and came to, writhing in pain with Grace imploring him to wake up.  
He was out of breath as he slowly came to and sat up straight on the bed, he was struck mute at the trauma that he had just endured and sat motionless staring at the wall in front of him. Grace was frantic and Dr. Tillman was transfixed and seemed to be at a loss for a few moments at the anguish and suffering that she was witnessing.  
She composed herself, “Harold… Harold, can you hear me?” No response, “Harold you’re ok, Grace is here, can you talk to her?” Still nothing.  
“Oh my God!” Grace whimpered. “What’s happening to him? Please help him, please….” Grace couldn’t control the sobs that wracked her body. She just wanted Harold back, to have the opportunity to mitigate all the pain and torment he had been put through. But now she wasn’t sure if she could help him, she felt so useless and afraid.  
“Grace, Harold will be fine, we just have to give him time to come around.” She smiled softly at Grace in reassurance and proceeded. “He’s in a trance, he will come out of it in due time, it’s a state known as Disassociation.” Grace looked scared and confused. “His mind has been through a severe trauma, probably a nightmare, and it’s his way of coming through it, we just have to give him time.”  
“What if he doesn’t?” she asked hesitantly as she watched Harold stare into nothingness.  
“He will, just be patient and let him work it out.” Megan took Grace’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze and left the room.  
Grace took Harold’s hand and rubbed the top of it saying, “Harold I’m here now, everything is going to be fine sweetheart, I’m going to take care of you, please let me take care of you.” The tears rolled down her face as she went on. “I’ve missed you so much but I’m here now and you’re not alone I love you so much my love,” she closed her eyes and wept silently, rubbing his hand all the while.  
#  
“Grace?”  
“Harold! Are you alright!” Grace was thrilled and relieved that for better or worse Harold was back with her.  
“I… I don’t know what’s happening…. please tell me what’s happening.” He whispered, Harold’s face was ashen and he was confused, he didn’t know how long he’d been away.  
“Harold my love, doctor Tillman said that you had some kind of trauma, a bad dream, and went into a trance.”  
“I …. can’t… remember….” He tried hard to but couldn’t put anything together. It was a blessing he didn’t remember Grace thought to herself.  
“How do you feel?’ she asked.  
“Like I’ve been hit by a truck,” he answered and tried to give her a smile. He was so happy that she had come back to him but now he felt the need to continue the story after the ferry, after his, and her world changed forever. “Grace, I never stopped thinking of you, you must understand. I have never stopped loving you but I couldn’t tell you that I was still alive, I just couldn’t.” His eyes grew moist and he had to take a calming breath before he continued.  
“Harold, take your time sweetheart I’m not going anywhere.” She gave him her own small smile and he continued, thanking the powers that be that he had a woman that truly loved him, with all his faults and past sins, she loved him. He hardly felt worthy.  
“After I lost you, after Nathan’s death,” he paused, “After his murder, hate and revenge fueled my will to live, I was a broken man, my body was a prison but I had to get those people that took everything from me back, to make them pay dearly.” His voice was beginning to rise and aggravation was clearly on the horizon if he didn’t dial it back.  
“Harold, please promise me that you’ll keep calm, please, I don’t want you to get worked up again, I don’t want you to leave me again.” Her meaning was clear, he frightened her so much with these fits that he’s had that she was terrified that he’d have another one.  
“Yes sweetheart, you’re right, I will try to stay calm.” He didn’t want to have another fit again either.  
“After my body had healed enough for me to be able to function in any capacity, I started to enact my revenge, I had it all planned out.” Grace looked at him with trepidation in her eyes, this was not the Harold that she knew, she couldn’t imagine where his path had led him and was anxious and fearful at the same time to hear what he was going to say next.  
“Please understand Grace, I was so filled with hatred and bitterness that I wasn’t in my right mind. They had taken everything from me and all I could do was let those emotions dictate the next step I took. I’m not proud of those thoughts but in the end, they were what kept me alive. It wasn’t until later that I realized that they were also what was destroying the man I was, the man that you knew and the man you loved.”  
“Go on Harold, you have to unburden yourself to heal, I’m not going anywhere, not ever again my love.”  
Harold felt a wave of tender emotion fill his heart, “How lucky I am,” he thought, and not for the last time. “This sweet and lovely soul still loves me, even after everything that I put her through.” He smiled warmly and went on.  
“When I came to my senses I understood what I needed to do. What Nathan had intended to do was now my sole purpose. My body was useless to my endeavor so I needed to find someone that could do the field work while I did everything else needed to save the numbers.”  
“Numbers?” she asked feeling confused.  
Harold smiled at her, “The numbers, social security numbers, are what I receive when someone is either in trouble or is about to make trouble for someone else.” He paused, realizing that he should use the past tense now when referring to the numbers. A feeling of melancholy washed over him and he paused and closed his eyes taking just a moment for now to mourn his child. But he knew that he would need more time in the future to do it properly.  
He began again, “It took a long time to find the right man for the job, but once I found him I knew immediately that he would be my partner for the duration of our mission together. His name was John.” Again, he paused and closed his eyes taking a slow breath and exhaling. Grace could tell right then and there that “John” was dead. She could almost feel the emotional turmoil Harold was experiencing. She didn’t press him to speak, letting him take whatever time was necessary to go on with his story. She herself started to get choked up at seeing how hard it was for Harold to speak of him. “John was the most skilled, operative I had seen in my search for a partner, there was no one that came close to his expertise. I couldn’t believe my luck!” Harold smiled at the memories that flooded his mind as he told Grace all about John. He told her about the good times and the bad. He told her about the mistrust and paranoia he felt in the beginning and went on telling her about him and answered all her questions as he went. “But more than any of that he was the most courageous, generous, caring man I have ever met and he gave his life for mine.”  
Harold had to stop for a few moments to gather himself. “I’ll get us something to drink sweetheart, I’ll be right back,” Grace reassured him and went out of the room to give him a short respite to compose himself.


	6. Chapter 6

Between the pain that was surfacing physically and emotionally, he was worn out. He didn’t realize that as he closed his eyes only meaning to do so for a moment, he would be transported to another realm of living hell.  
He opened his eyes and was no longer in the same room. He was still in a bed but the room had changed, he didn’t recognize anything. It was quiet except for a faint noise that he couldn’t identify. He was in his customary three-piece suit but he wasn't hooked up to any of the machines anymore. The blanket that covered him was thrown off and when he looked down at himself his clothing was covered in blood. He inhaled sharply, he couldn’t believe the sheer volume of it. He was soaked in it. He didn’t understand, where did it come from? He didn’t feel like it was his but who else could it belong to? He moved to get up and as he swung his legs over to plant them on the floor he gasped in horror at what he saw.  
Harold stared at the form lying on the floor beneath him, trying to arrest the wail of dismay that escaped his lips as John reached up for him. John made little gurgling sounds as he tried to breathe, air escaping from the holes throughout his body, Harold realized that this was the sound he couldn’t identify when he woke up in this room, John attempting to breathe.  
“John,” he whispered. He could hardly speak, this horrific sight that lay before his eyes killed his ability to do anything but gawk. “My god John.”   
“Harold,” the image of his partner called to him. “Harold… hold me, please.”   
Harold couldn’t move his body any further, he couldn’t kneel to comfort the man that was dying in front of him, he couldn’t speak. He wanted to touch him desperately, to ease his suffering but could do nothing. He was forced to watch and listen to John, beg for him to come near, and he was tortured by his inability to do nothing but watch as John’s eyes glazed over with the look of betrayal and death.   
He screamed in pain and grief in his mind and as soon as the light was gone from John’s blue eyes he could move again, but it was too late. John died without knowing and being comforted by the knowledge of the love Harold felt for him. This was torture for Harold, it was as if he’d been stabbed in the heart.   
The anguish was too much. Harold searched the room looking for anything to help him end the agony he was enduring. He opened the nightstand drawer and found what he was looking for. It was as if it was laid out for him, beckoning to him, for him to use it and end his suffering.  
The gun felt cold and heavy in his hands. He made sure that it was loaded.  
He laid next to John on the floor, took his left hand in his, raised his right hand, put the pistol to his head and pulled the trigger.  
#  
When Grace returned to the room, she opened the door and stopped dead in her tracks. Harold lay perfectly still. His body rigid, his eyes open, staring at the ceiling. He looked dead. She thought for a moment that he was and she dropped the glass she was holding, broken shards going everywhere.  
“Megan!!!!!” she screamed. She hurried to his side and ran her hands over him, feeling for a pulse at his neck. It was there thrumming like a caged animal. Suddenly, without any warning, his eyes rolled back and his body started to convulse again just as Megan got to them.  
“Hurry, hand me that towel, now!” She demanded. The doctor pried his mouth open and forced the cloth inside his mouth, we have to prevent him from biting his tongue off.” She offered in explanation.  
“Please make it stop!” Grace screamed, tears flowing down her face. “Make it stop!”  
“Grace! Calm down, you’re not helping! I have to sedate him, please hand me that syringe, hurry!”  
Grace did as she was told and Dr. Tillman injected it into the IV. Almost immediately Harold’s body calmed down and became pliant. He was soaked from sweat and his face was blotchy and pale. He began to breathe more regularly and they both momentarily sighed in relief.  
“You don’t know what’s happening to him do you, Megan?” Grace was emotionally exhausted and it showed.  
“Honestly, I’ve never seen anything like this.” She didn’t know what to say more than that. “We just have to monitor him and deal with whatever comes next.” She was truly perplexed. She had not come across nor heard of anything coming close to what was going on with Harold. She would have to make some phone calls to people she knew in both the medical and psychiatric department. She knew she had her work cut out for her. “I’ll make sure he’s stabilized for now and then I’m going to find an answer for us. For all of us,” she stated, resolved in her mission.  
Grace looked at her and nodded, not trusting her voice and sat on the edge of the bed. She held Harold’s hand and pressed her lips to it, “I’m not letting you go again my darling, not again.” she whispered.  
#  
Harold opened his eyes slowly. The room was quiet and he took a moment to look around. Grace lay in the lounge chair beside the bed. She was asleep and looked wrecked. He couldn’t remember ever seeing her so worn out. His thoughts were slow and muddled. He watched the morphine drip slowly make its way into his arm. He noted the other bags of fluid that were pumping through his body and wondered what they were for. Awareness came back to him gradually, he wasn’t sure how much time had ticked by as he lay still and quiet. He didn’t want to wake his love, he knew that she needed to rest, he thought of how much she had to endure over the last few days and he knew he was responsible for it. But as tired as she looked, she was still the vision of an angel to him in every sense of the word. He would always see her in that way, no matter what happened, in whatever future they still had together.   
He tried to focus on the last thing he could remember and as the nightmare of John began to reveal itself to him he started to panic, he couldn’t control the response that took hold and threatened to strangle him. The blood pressure monitor began to sound an alarm and Grace awoke with a start.  
“Harold!?” She sprang to her feet and was at his side in a second! She called for doctor Tillman.   
“Hurry!” she yelled as Harold closed his eyes and tried with everything he had to calm himself. He’d never had so much trouble breathing in his life, and was angry and disgusted with himself for lacking the ability to control his own body’s responses. Paired with what was exhausting his mind he felt his sanity being tested. He inhaled as much air as he could then held his breath and counted to five, and slowly let it out through his nose. He concentrated on that routine a few times trying to ignore the fuss going on around him.  
“I’m…alright now.” he said after a few moments and they stopped and watched him. They understood what he was doing, that he was trying to regain control of his respiration and it seemed to be working.  
“Thank God.” Grace said while taking his hand in hers. He squeezed it gently, reassuringly and she squeezed back and felt a small bit of relief at the gesture.  
“Harold, tell me how you feel at this very minute?” Megan asked him pointedly.  
“Physically the pain is about an 8 on a scale of ten.” he answered her with his eyes closed, biting back the moan of severe ache and pain he felt in his entire body.  
“And otherwise?” she asked.  
“Otherwise?” he opened his eyes and met hers with a question of his own.  
“Harold, you’ve been having… spells as it were and I need you to be honest with me and tell me what you’re dealing with emotionally. Whatever it is it’s throwing your body into chaos.”  
“I don’t know what you mean doctor.” He stated dryly and closed his eyes again. He wasn’t going to deal with his demons with anyone. Perhaps not even Grace.  
“Harold you’re going to have to….”   
He cut her off tersely, “I’m really very tired at the moment doctor. Can we please talk about this another time?” He wouldn’t look at her and maybe she would take the hint if he shut her down by refusing to engage her with his eyes, it was a rude move but he couldn’t, wouldn’t go into his psyche right now with anyone.  
“Alright Harold but please consider what I said, whatever inner turmoil you’re going through is detrimental to your health, please try to work through it as soon as possible so we can get you back on your feet again.” Megan was intentionally being very sweet and polite, she didn’t want to push him too hard and she had to hope that he would come to his senses; he’s a smart man, she thought to herself, he must understand on some level that he’s only hurting himself if he doesn’t face what’s necessary for his own sanity.   
“I’ll leave you to dispense your own pain medication, I know you’ve had plenty of practice with it.” She said knowingly. “Just push the button when you need to.”  
“Yes doctor, thank you, for everything.” He lightened the tone of his voice, although he kept his eyes closed, he felt bad for being so short with her  
She looked in Grace’s eyes and mouthed, ‘He has to talk about it.’ Grace acknowledged her with a nod and turned back to Harold. Megan squeezed her arm and turned to leave the room. She glanced back and smiled as she saw Grace lean down to kiss Harold on the forehead.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ***This Chapter contains Explicit sexual situations***

Doctor Tillman immediately went to her laptop and called up two specialists that she knew in the specialized medical field. She was confident, she had to be, that she would find whatever was going on with Harold and put a stop to it. She felt as though she would never be able to thank them enough for being there for her when she needed someone. ‘I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to Harold under my watch.’ She thought. She felt a tear roll down her cheek as she thought about John. ‘John would never forgive me either.’ She wrote their phone numbers down and would make the calls after she explained to Harold and Grace what she felt needed to be done.  
She went back to the bedroom a few minutes later and found Grace gently stroking Harold’s hand, the two gazing into each other’s eyes intently. They appeared to be in their own world.  
She cleared her throat and decided to go straight for the direct approach. “The first thing we need to do is to get you to my clinic and get an MRI done.” She began. “We need to get that out of the way as soon as possible.” They listened intently. “We need to make sure that there’s nothing unexpected going on before we proceed with anything else, once that is taken care of we will go from there.”  
She decided to wait on the discussion of Harold sitting down with a therapist until the last moment. She knew just from the short interaction with him on the subject, just a few minutes earlier, that it would not be an easy idea for him to entertain.  
“Alright doctor Tillman, I’ll need some time to recuperate before I venture outside these walls though.” He answered.  
“But right now, while I feel up to it, I most definitely want to take a shower,” he stated.  
Both women looked at him in astonishment.  
“What?” he grinned, “Can’t a man wish to be clean in the midst of all this unwelcomed attention? He looked at Grace’s astounded face and grinned, “I may require some assistance if you please?”  
She grinned back broadly, “There’s a tub if you’d rather?” she answered and leaned in close.  
“Alright you two,” Megan couldn’t help the grin that made its way to her face as well. “I’ll need to change your dressing soon anyway but do not get the wound wet!”  
“Don’t they make special bandages for just that reason?” he asked cheerfully.  
She grinned at him and said “Yes, yes they do but you still need to be careful with it. You must have dosed yourself up a little bit with the pain killer I assume?” she asked knowing that if he hadn’t just administered the Morphine he wouldn’t even be considering a bath no matter how unclean he felt. “I want you to be very careful with that Harold.” She remarked.  
“Yes I know doctor; I am fully aware of what my body requires in that regard. I’ve had many years’ experience as you well know.”  
Grace stood aside and watched Megan unhook Harold from the tubes that held the various medicines he was being administered and the doctor cleaned and re-dressed his wound, applying the “water proofed” bandage. Grace felt extremely nervous about what was about to happen. It was only a short time ago that Harold had experienced the last incident and she questioned herself as to how she would react if something else where to happen to him while they were in the bath.  
“Alright then I’ll leave you to it… Go easy Harold!” Megan blushed and left the room.  
“I’ll start the bath, just wait there a minute, I’ll be right back.” Harold held her gaze lovingly. “One moment,” she purred. She knew what Harold had in mind and as afraid as she was at what might happen, she wanted it too. It had been an unbearably long time for them both. She got the water running and went back into the room.  
Grace inhaled deeply and helped Harold out of the bed being very cautious with his weakened state. She felt flushed and shy and couldn’t look him in the face. As they stood there for just a moment he turned her face towards him and she met his eyes. His smile encouraged the decision that they had made in unspoken agreement. He brought her mouth to his and kissed her gently. A wave of heat went through her and she let out the breath that she had been holding.  
“That was nice.” Harold breathed. And he too felt warmth spread throughout his body.  
They moved together slowly, one step at a time towards the bathroom.  
“My, what luck!” the tub seems big enough for us both.” He grinned and looked at her. Grace felt giddy with anticipation.  
“Yes, and it has jets too!” she giggled. She felt like a teenager again. “Sit here and let me undress you.”  
“Alright.” He answered and sat on the edge of the huge bathtub.  
“Harold… you will tell me if something happens won’t you, if you feel any pain? We can take as much time as we need.”  
“Of course sweetheart, we have all the time in the world.” Harold watched the concern turn to nervousness as Grace began to unbutton his pajama shirt. Harold suddenly realized that Grace had never seen his scars before and he covered her hands with his and stopped her from going any farther.  
“Grace…” he began. She looked at him with trepidation. “Grace, I… I want you to be ready for the terrible scars you’re about to see. I don’t want you to be concerned with what I went through to obtain them and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable seeing them.” Deep emotion welled up in his heart at seeing the look of absolute resolve in her eyes. She wasn’t the least bit concerned with them and he was extremely grateful once again for having such a warm and caring woman back in his life.  
“Harold… nothing I see will make any difference to the love I have for you. I can imagine how bad they must be, you told me what happened to you and I can accept anything that I’m faced with.” She brought his hands to her lips and kissed each one lovingly. She then wiped the tear that had formed in the corner of Harold’s eye at her declaration.  
He was speechless for a moment but then he let go of her hands so that she could finish with his shirt. Her hands began to tremble slightly with anticipation when she got to the last button. She looked deep into his eyes. “Are you ready?” she asked.  
“If you are.” He answered, bracing himself for her reaction, he closed his eyes, he was afraid of seeing pity in her expression. Pity was the last thing he wanted from anyone.  
He was shocked at the feel of her lips on his mangled shoulder. The shrapnel scars were hideous to look at and to his amazement Grace was putting her mouth to them, nuzzling the ghastly flesh beneath her lips.  
“Ohhhh….” Harold opened his eyes as Grace pulled away from his shoulder and concentrated on his lips. Whatever pain and discomfort he had been feeling before they got to this point was quickly forgotten. The endorphins were kicking into high gear and she opened her mouth eagerly to let him in. For a few wonderful moments, they were oblivious to everything but each other. Reveling and reacquainting themselves with each other’s taste.  
Their breathing was getting heavier and Grace reluctantly pulled away before they went too far and ran out of steam. Harold didn’t want to stop either but knew that, as hard as it was, they had to slow down.  
“You did want to bathe after all.” She reminded him and chuckled.  
The water had filled the tub and she leaned over, looking at him enticingly and turned off the faucets. “Let’s get you in the water and then I’ll join you,” she whispered alluringly in his ear and it sent a shiver of pleasure down his spine. He remembered how much he loved bathing with Grace whether it was a shower or a bath and now he was about to enjoy it once more. He was anxious for what came next.  
She carefully removed his pants and to her delight he was becoming visually aroused. As he lowered himself into the water he took a moment to relax and concentrate on the beautiful woman before him and not the pain that was creeping back up on him. “Grace… take your time disrobing if you would, I want to remember everything about this moment.... if you don’t mind.” He smiled tenderly.  
“Of course.” She replied with a smile of her own. Grace was extremely comfortable with her body and wanted to give Harold something to think about while he tried to sleep at night and if she could help him in that regard she was more than willing to do so. She was a little nervous about doing it now though, after such a long time but put that thought to rest when she saw how much Harold was enjoying it.  
Harold watched her slowly, tantalizingly remove her garments one at a time. He watched the graceful, languid movements she made as she removed her shoes first and then slowly, her blouse then her slacks. She was a vision of beauty in every way and Harold moved his hand to his groin and gently tugged at himself.  
She watched him as his eyes became dark with desire and moved to undo her bra. “Grace…” He whispered as he watched her nipples harden at the removal of the undergarment. Her breasts enticing him to cover them with his mouth.  
“Grace…” he whispered again yearningly. “Come here now…”  
She shivered at the want and desire in his voice. She removed her panties and watched his eyes darken further. She lowered herself carefully into the water beside him. “Harold…” She began but before a word was uttered Harold turned to her and demanded her lips passionately.  
“Grace…” he murmured again and again longingly between hot, wet kisses as his hand found its way to her breast. He kneaded the flesh with a firm hold while his thumb found the pert tip of her nipple. ‘Ohhhh I’ve missed this’ she thought to herself dizzily almost laughing audibly in joy at the act they were lovingly sharing in.  
“Ohhh, Harold….” She closed her eyes and couldn’t help herself from panting his name over and over as his hand moved lower down her body, making her bodies juices flow hot between her legs. “Harold… let me…” she didn’t want him to stop what he was doing but she also didn’t want him to over exert himself so soon after the trauma his body had suffered. She gently pushed him to lay back against the backrest of the tub and positioned herself to lay over him in the deep water, her weight minimized by the water dispersion.  
“Grace, I’ve missed you so much....” he choked out and shut his eyes. The emotions he felt assaulting him brutally.  
“Shhhh, I’m here now my love. I’m here now… forever, I will never let you go again.”  
She touched his cheek and as he opened his eyes she began kissing him again tenderly. Harold lay back and Grace kissed his eyes and his cheeks reverently then moved to his neck, again mouthing the scars she found there. Harold gasped as she nipped and kissed her way down his chest to his hardening nipples skirting her hand over his firm manhood.  
“Ohhhh, Grace.” He panted, trying to control his hitching breaths.  
“I’m afraid my lips can’t go any farther or I fear I might drown.” She chuckled.  
He grinned and guided her body through the water to again lay above him. She felt his erection throbbing beneath her and she sat upright opening her thighs to straddle him. He gasped again at the mere proximity of her warmth hovering just above him. She gazed into his eyes and she slowly lowered herself onto his welcoming member. His long, thick cock was eagerly accepted into her body and she closed her eyes at the heavenly sensation as she seated herself fully onto him. She opened her eyes to find him looking at her reverently, then she gently began to piston her hips slowly.  
“Ahhhhh…Grace....” He huffed, rejoicing in the heat and tightness of her.  
“Ohhhh…. Harold… I’ve missed this so much!” she panted as she began to ride him in earnest.  
“Grace…. slow…. slow down…. I don’t want it to end, not yet!” he gasped out of breath.  
She slowed down and rode him gently now at odds against the obscenely passionate kisses she rained over him.  
Harold pulled her close and immersed himself in licking and sucking her breasts, one and then the other respectfully as his other hand found her clit, rubbing it in just the right way to illicit a moan of pleasure from her throat.  
“Oh my God Harold!” she cried out as his thumb found just the right angle to pull an earth-shattering orgasm from her. The aftershocks assaulted her steadily. Her body convulsed with pleasure and as her vaginal walls spasmed, Harold’s orgasm soon followed. With a cry of ecstasy, his stiff cock unloaded everything it had, pulsing in heavenly nirvana.  
Grace collapsed against Harold’s heaving chest and she lay there comfortably, feeling his softening organ shrinking inside of her.  
“Are you alright?” she asked, her head still on his chest, listening to the thrumming heartbeat beneath her ear.  
Harold couldn’t contain the laughter that sprang from him. She moved off and to the side of Harold and she couldn’t contain the giddy laughter that came out of her mouth either, she was ecstatic. She watched his laughter of joy change to sobs of sorrow and then tears flowed from his eyes and he began to weep uncontrollably.


	8. Chapter 8

“Harold…?” Grace didn’t know what to do, what to say. She took Harold’s hand in hers and leaned into him, caressing his face as he wept.  
“I’m sorry, Grace… I… I don’t know what’s come over me.” Harold felt embarrassment creep into him. He didn’t know why he was being so emotional, why he couldn’t control himself, he was mortified.  
“It’s alright sweetheart… It’s understandable. You’ve been through so much.” She paused to give Harold the time he needed to compose himself.  
“The waters getting cold, let’s get you back to the bed.” Grace was worried. She had no idea what was going on in his mind, the man she knew was always perfectly composed. Whatever was tormenting him had to be dealt with, immediately.  
Grace dried herself off and then worked carefully to wipe the moisture from his body. They moved to the bedroom and Grace got him comfortable under the sheets.  
As the adrenaline that once coursed through his body wore off, he felt his body crashing. Harold was exhausted physically and emotionally from the strain of everything that he had endured in the short time since his world came crashing down around him. The only respite he received was from the presence of the woman he loved.  
Grace called Megan back to the room to get Harold hooked back to the various medications that he needed to heal his poor body. The IV lines were a necessary nuisance she assured him.   
As he laid there, while Megan was speaking to Grace; he felt a wave of melancholy come over him again. Why was this happening to him? He couldn’t understand it. He closed his eyes and asked the women if they could please move their conversation to the other room. “I’m sorry, I don’t wish to be rude,” he explained. “I just need a moment to gather my thoughts.”   
“Harold are you feeling alright?” Grace asked him.  
“I really need to go over a few things that I’ve discovered might be going on with you Harold.” The doctor began.  
“Please, can’t it wait just a little while?” He was not in the frame of mind to hold a conversation at the moment.  
“I don’t really think it should wait Harold.” Megan answered.  
“And I don’t really want to participate in a discussion at the moment doctor!” He replied tersely.  
Grace looked at him worriedly. “Yes, let’s just go out for a few minutes Megan, you can tell me what you found.” Megan was stunned by Harold’s outburst. She had never seen him so out of sorts and it concerned her a great deal.  
“Yes, alright, Grace and I will leave you to some peace and quiet for a little while, but Harold… we have to get you straightened out very soon, I’m worried about you.” She explained.  
“Yes of course Megan, I’m so sorry that I lost my composure.” Harold felt awful that he had let his impatience unfurl itself on the good doctor. He was beside himself that he wasn’t able to reign in his emotions to such an extent that he would hurt someone that was trying to do nothing more than help him.  
“Aright then, we’ll be just outside if you need anything.” She said.  
“I love you sweetheart.” Grace kissed him and turned to Megan and saw the concern in her face as well.  
Grace was more than nervous about Harold’s state of mind when she reluctantly left the room. “What did you find out?” Grace nervously inquired.  
“I’ve spoken with a couple of colleagues and they’ve both indicated that Harold is in a very deep depression.”   
“I think that goes without saying Megan.” Grace answered anxiously.  
“I’m not finished Grace,” she began, “He seems to be experiencing “Reactive Psychosis.” Grace looked confused. “That is to say, when someone has been through a very traumatic event, their minds can alter their reality. Harold seems to be experiencing the signs of such a disorder.”  
“What do we do then, how can I help?” Grace implored, absorbing the weight of the issue.  
“Well we start out by convincing him that it’s not a sin to talk to someone about what he’s feeling. He’s so damned proud and stubborn that he’ll probably see it as a sign of weakness, of feebleness. We have to convince him otherwise. If we don’t… she took a breath… Well we just can’t let him refuse, that’s all there is to it.”  
#  
As Harold lay in the bed, he could hear the murmuring of conversation just outside the room. He had no idea what was being said but the tone of it left him feeling apprehensive. He closed his eyes and tried to decipher any words that were being discussed.  
“Harold?” He slowly opened his eyes to John leaning over him.  
“John!?” he gasped, not believing what he was seeing. He looked around the room desperately as John reached out for him.  
“I’m right here Harold.” John responded, gently squeezing his forearm and smiling at him, wearing that sweet little smirk that Harold had always secretly loved. Harold was mesmerized, was he dreaming again? He couldn’t believe his eyes. He knew John was dead.  
As Harold lay there motionless staring into John’s eyes he suddenly felt warm and relaxed. He felt none of the chronic or even secondary pain in his body at all. “John, I know that you’re not really here right now. I know that you’re dead and that I must be hallucinating but I don’t care. I want this... I need this…” he whispered, tears stinging his eyes. “Please stay with me...” He whispered.  
“Harold, I want you to listen to me carefully. There’s something very wrong with you and you need to let them help you.” John’s expression was filled with sadness and he gently squeezed Harold’s arm again.  
“John, I only want this, us… Please I…need…” The words died in his throat as he was suddenly jolted back to full awareness by an intense pain in his head, he winced and squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to ride the wave of anguish. His side and his existing injuries screamed in revolt, he struggled desperately to fight the sheer agony of it all. As his entire body tortured him, sweat poured from him and then began to seize.  
The sounds of pain and anguish reached through the door and Grace immediately knew something was terribly wrong behind it.  
“Harold!!!!” Grace screamed as they rushed back into the room. She ran to his side as Megan worked fast to inject the sedative into him.   
As the medication did its work and Harold’s tormented body relaxed he slowly opened his eyes meeting Grace’s.   
“John?” he asked and quickly lost consciousness.


	9. Chapter 9

Harold ran through the icy rain, trying to find cover from the freezing drops that assaulted him ruthlessly. “Harold! Harold, over here!”   
Root stood under the awning that was above the door that leads towards their subway hideout.   
He had trouble seeing her through the sleet at first, as it was dark outside. She waved him over smiling sweetly. As he got to the curb a flash of lightning momentarily blinded him and thunder rumbled above. He leaped up onto the sidewalk jauntily and was vaguely aware that he seemed to be missing something. He couldn’t figure it out, though. Something seemed off, unnatural but he just couldn’t tell what it was.  
“Harry you’re going to catch your death!” Root laughed as she rubbed his arms briskly.  
“Worry about yourself Ms. Groves.” He retorted, unable to hide the wide grin that plastered his face.  
“You know that John will somehow find me to blame if you get sick.”   
“Mr. Reese has better things to worry about.” ” I assure you, I will be fine.”   
“Shall we?” Harold motioned for Root to proceed.  
“Always the gentleman.” she smiled at him affectionately and moved down the steps.  
She turned back towards him as they proceeded. “Everyone’s been waiting for you Harry, where have you been?”  
“Honestly Ms. Groves, I have no idea.” He couldn’t remember anything and couldn’t seem to care. He followed behind her to the candy machine that covered the entrance down to the old subway platform.

As they made their way down the stairway Harold felt wonderful. He felt nothing hindering his thoughts or his body. It was delightful to be able to move effortlessly and without pain and to have a mind clear of everything. As they got to the main floor everyone was there, just as Root had said.  
Bear ran to him and jumped for joy at seeing his other master and Harold chuckled as he squatted down to rough house with him for a moment. Everyone watched and laughed at the display of affection they were seeing,  
“Harold, we’re over here!” John chuckled.  
“Yes, yes, Mr. Reese I see that, and if you’d be so kind as to call your dog, I might be able to make it,” Harold replied, grinning broadly.   
He was elated to see everyone in one place again. Their smiles warm and welcoming.  
“Harold, we all need to talk to you,” Joss started.  
“What about detective?”   
“We need you to know Harold, that we’re all very concerned about your health,” John stated.  
“You’re not doing well Harold,” Elias added.  
“I don’t know what you’re all talking about, I feel absolutely superb,” Harold replied.  
“You’re starting to lose your marbles, Harold.” Sameen retorted.  
Harold looked at everyone in bewilderment.  
“Look, there’s a reason you feel so good at the moment Glasses,” Lionel added.  
“I really have no idea of what you’re talking about, I’m perfectly fine. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt so good.” He answered honestly. He hadn’t been able to say that he felt this good in years.  
“Harold, the reason you feel so good right now is because you’re not really here. Everything that you are experiencing at this very moment is in your head. We’re in your head.” John locked on to Harold’s eyes. “You’re dying Finch… And if you want a chance to have Grace back and to live happily ever after, you have to let her help you.”   
Harold was utterly confused. He looked around at all their faces, a look of concern on them all. “I…do want that, but I’m not sure that’s ever going to happen. I don’t know what to do. I don’t understand what’s happening, please tell me what do.” He began to feel panic creeping up on him.   
“It’s easy Finch. All you have to do is…”  
Suddenly, Harold couldn’t hear John anymore, his vision began to go dark and he felt electricity travel through his body until he was awakened with a jolt.   
“NOOOO!” Harold screamed. “Tell me!” He gasped and looked around desperately, “John! Where is he?” he wailed. “Where is he, please!?” He was having trouble catching his breath.  
“Harold!” Grace sobbed. “Please Harold, its Grace, I’m here sweetheart. I’m here.” She was so terrified of what was happening and she was so emotionally worn out that her legs felt weak.  
Megan really started to worry now. She didn’t know what was going on with Harold but she knew she had to do something and it had to be done immediately.


	10. Chapter 10

“Harold, you need to calm down, breathe slowly and try to relax.”  
Harold gasped for air, still disoriented from the vision he had just experienced and clenching his teeth against the immense pain. He was at war with his mind for sanity and knew he was losing the battle. After long moments of labored breathing, he calmed himself enough to try to reassure Grace that he was back with her again.  
“My god, I’m putting this woman through hell," he thought, "She deserves to live a full life, not tie herself to, at best, a wrecked fraction of the man she fell in love with." He tortured himself further. “I have to make her understand that I can’t, I won’t put, her through this. I must convince her somehow that it would be best for her to forget me. To move on, and have a happy life. It’s not too late for her. She’s still a vibrant young woman deserving of the best of everything life has to offer.”  
“Grace… Grace, I’m alright now.” He tried to give her a convincing smile but knew he wasn’t fooling anyone.  
“I’ll be alright, really.” He answered through the hurt with a trembling voice. “Please, doctor, I’m in considerable pain at the moment could you…”  
“Yes Harold, let me get something I’ll be right back.” Megan knew that the morphine drip wasn’t even touching the pain he was experiencing at the moment and went to fetch something stronger.  
“Sweetheart, Grace, I need you to listen to me.” Grace was troubled by the tenor in Harold’s voice. “I don’t want you to stay here with me. I’m so sorry that The Machine thought that it was best to send for you, but I can’t stand to see you being put through all of this pain and turmoil and having to see me in such a pathetic condition. You deserve someone whole, someone, that can offer you a chance to have a full and vibrant life, someone that isn’t a feeble, shell of their former self and can offer you nothing close to what you deserve. I would be nothing more than a hindrance Grace. Please, go and try to forget me. It would be the best thing for you.”  
Grace sat stunned for a long moment, anger beginning to simmer just under the surface at his insane assertion. She took a deep breath and began… “Harold, how dare you demean yourself to me and how dare you presume to tell me what’s best for me.” She tried to keep the level of outrage she felt under control but couldn’t help herself from feeling it slip away.  
“How could you ever imagine that I would or could ever leave you after finally finding you again!?” She was incensed. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard and couldn’t help that her voice had risen at the outrage she felt.  
It was now Harold’s turn to be stunned. “If you think for one moment that I would abandon you in this moment of dire circumstance, then you never knew me at all!”  
“Harold, don’t you see?” She softened her voice at seeing Harold’s astonished reaction. “I am yours and you are mine and I can’t conceive of any reason or circumstance that would cause me to abandon you.” Her eyes filled with tears and they rolled down her cheeks. “Please don’t ever ask me to leave again. I love you so much, I just couldn’t contemplate my life without you ever again.”  
As he listened to her heartfelt declaration his eyes also filled with tears. “Well, I guess that’s been settled.” He chuckled and after wiping his eyes he brought her hand to his lips. She too laughed quietly and dried her tears.  
“Let’s not speak of it again then.” They agreed.  
“Harold, Megan told me that she thinks she knows some of what may be happening to you and you need to hear her out, please.” He sat patiently waiting for her to begin.  
#  
“Megan, we’re ready,” Grace called and the doctor was back in the room right away. “He’s ready to listen now.” Grace turned to Harold and smiled and he smiled back but felt trepidation creeping in.  
“Ok, I’m going to give you some Dilaudid. I know that you are familiar with this type of pain medication and I know that you don’t like to take anything that clouds your mind Harold, but under the circumstances, it’s probably the best option at the moment. I know how well you’ve learned to hide your pain and that you can take more of it than the average person, I also know that you are not doing well with it right now.”  
Harold didn’t argue, he was in immense pain but has done very well hiding it until now.  
“Yes, alright Dr. Tillman but I’d like to get the impending conversation over with before you administer the drug. I want to understand everything without question.”  
“I understand and I agree, I’ll try to make it as brief as possible. I’ll begin by telling you that the main reason, other than the potency factor, is that while Morphine and Dilaudid both have depression as a potential side effect, I believe that Dilaudid has the possibility of it to a lesser degree.”  
Harold and Grace both listened attentively and both were feeling anxious.  
“Alright Harold here we go,” Megan began. “I’ve spoken to a few of the best minds in the medical field and I concur with what they believe could be happening to you.”  
Harold was listening thoughtfully and was more nervous than he would dare admit to, breaking out into a sweat.  
“As I suggested before, the very first thing we need to do is get an MRI done of your brain. We have to rule out any brain injuries or trauma. Have you fallen or hit your head at any time recently?” Megan asked.  
Harold thought carefully, he didn’t think he had.  
“No, but I can’t be certain doctor, the day John… John deployed the… the Ice-9…” Harold started to falter, his vision was becoming cloudy and his breathing began to grow labored. His thoughts were muddled and he was losing his hold on the here and now. Harold was struggling to breathe, every second was agony, his body trembled with pain, he just wanted it all to stop. He didn’t know if he could take it anymore, he was so tired of it all. He could hear Grace’s voice on the periphery of his hearing as dim awareness lapsed into pitch and he gave into the darkness that surrounded him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter and I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read and give this story a chance.

The sun was shining off the water and it made him squint. It was a warm sunny day, but the heat didn’t bother him even beneath his customary three-piece suit. He heard John’s voice calling him from the deck of the massive yacht he stood on. He covered his eyes and peered in his direction.  
“Harold, come on you’re holding up the works, we’ve got to get moving!” John yelled from across the boat slip, and he grinned broadly.  
“Yes, alright Mr. Reese I hear you,” Harold replied with mock irritation and directed himself to the gangway that led to the vessel's main deck and sprinted on board effortlessly. Harold vaguely remembered that he actually owned this gorgeous piece of craftsmanship and felt a bit of pride in the thought. He felt tremendously well and content.  
“Come on, they’re inside.”  
“Who’s here John?” Harold asked, his surprise evident.  
“Almost everybody, Finch.” Was the reply.  
John waited for Harold to catch up to him before they entered the extensive lounging area.  
As they went in; everyone cheered in unison upon seeing him. Bear trotted over to him happily wagging his tail as Harold leaned down to rub his ears lovingly. Harold took in the surroundings and the gang indeed was all there. He felt giddy with delight, everyone was motioning for him to join them. They indicated for him to sit in a luxurious brown leather recliner. As he sat, they all gathered around and sat in their respective seats, all smiling warmly at him.  
“It’s wonderful to see you all in one place.” He said as he sat down. He regarded all their cheerful faces. Joss sat next to John, Elias and Fusco plopped down on a spacious leather couch, Root and Shaw sat together on a cozy loveseat and of course Bear sat next to him, being a very good and happy boy, reveling at being among the love and security of his pack mates.  
“Alright, so what’s the occasion?” He asked bemusedly. “Not that I’m complaining mind you, I’m extremely pleased to see everyone.”  
They all inclined to John to start off the conversation.  
“We all felt it necessary to prepare you for what may likely happen in the real-world Harold,” John answered and the expression that he had sported that was once so full of happiness, slowly faded to melancholy.  
“What is that supposed to mean John?” He asked, perplexed.  
“They want to help you and they are trying to help you but they don’t know what’s happened to you Harold” Joss stated. Harold was once again confused, it seemed to him that confusion seemed to be the order of all his existence these days and he absolutely abhorred the feeling.  
“It could mean a minuscule chance at survival or it could mean death, Harry.” Root added sadly.  
“As per my usual state these days, I don’t know what you are talking about.” Harold glanced around the room and took in all the gloomy faces that he loved and deeply cared about.  
“Harold, listen,” John began, “They are trying their best to figure out what’s causing your “lapses” for lack of a better word, but they’re concentrating on the wrong idea about what they think it could be… We’re afraid that by the time they figure it out, it will be far too late to save you.” John got choked up and his eyes began to moisten as he tried to continue… but he couldn’t.  
Joss covered John’s hand and went on for him.  
“What John is saying Harold, is that if they don’t know what’s wrong with you… they can’t treat you.” She offered. “There really is no treatment Harold.” “And right now they really have no clue about what’s actually happened to you.”  
“We fear it’s already too late Harry.” Root offered sorrowfully and a tear ran down her cheek.  
“There really isn’t anything to be done, it’s nobody’s fault.” Elias added.  
Shaw put her two cents in as well. “The up-side Finch, is that you’ll get to see anyone, any time you like. Well those of us that are already dead that is. You’ll have to wait a little while for the rest of us.” She laughed morosely winking at Fusco and she whistled for Bear to come over and she pat his head cheerfully.  
“What is my “condition?”” Harold asked apprehensively. “I mean, if there’s nothing they can do to save me then I’m more than ready to join you all. I am more than ready to be whole and able-bodied again. Just tell me what it is and I will try and convince them that I want to end the torment that I have been living these last few years.” He paused and took a breath, “My only regret is that I will have to leave Grace again, it’s terrible what she’s had to go through, especially since The Machine brought her back to me, but I truly believe that once she has true closure, someone will enter her life again, someone she can love and that can take care of her the way she deserves to be taken care of. So, please tell me now and let’s be done with it.”  
John looked deeply into Harold’s eyes and started to speak, “Harold, you have a bra….”  
Harold suddenly felt himself being ripped away from the room. He shouted at them to make it stop, to hold him there with them but it was no use, he came back to himself in his bed writhing in agony. The pain was excruciating, he couldn’t take it and he cried out in anguish, tears stinging his eyes as he squeezed them tight against the deluge of torment assaulting his tortured mind. He gasped desperately for air and all thought disappeared while he fought the waves of anguish that were threatening to carry him into oblivion.  
Megan hurriedly injected him with the potent painkiller with a sedative added and he slowly felt his body ebbing towards something closer to a pain level he could breathe through, but his mind and memory were clouded over.  
“Harold, I’m here sweetheart, please stay with me!” Grace cried urgently, lovingly wiping his sweat-covered brow.  
Harold met Grace’s tear filled eyes with his own. “Grace, please… I can’t … I can’t do this anymore… You have to let… let me go…please, it hurts...” He gasped and closed his eyes against the horrified expression Grace wore. He could hardly put a coherent thought together against the pain he was enduring. All he was certain of was that to continue to exist in this world, he would be putting the woman he dearly loved through constant torment, for as long as he lived. Between that thought and the constant, chronic pain and whatever the hell else was happening to him… he didn’t want to live, it was too much. He was certain that it was the beginning of the end of his life and that whatever his friends were trying to warn him of was proof of that belief.  
Grace wept, watching her beloved fighting to control the agony his mind and body were being put through.  
Dr. Tillman was beside herself at the anguish she was witnessing to the point of breaking her own professional composure and quietly weeping with Grace.  
Harold was finally able to quiet his labored breathing and was able to arrest the tremors that pained his injured body, finally able to put a thought together he inhaled slowly and began.  
“Please… Grace, there is something terribly wrong with me and I want you to be prepared for the worst my love. I can feel it.”  
Grace could do nothing but regard Harold with sorrow, he looked so helpless, unarmed against what he was dealing with and in such continual pain. She wept softly as he went on, kissing and caressing his hand tenderly.  
“I don’t know when it will happen... again doctor, one these “spells,” but I’m sure that it’s only a matter of a very short time… before another one comes for me… and you know it as well as I do.” He took a long and labored breath. “I’m sure at some point that I won’t be coming back. I cannot…nor would I want… to live in the pain that I’m enduring right now. It’s too much for anyone… and I need you to please understand… that I’m not saying this lightly.” He looked into Grace’s beautiful green eyes as tears filled his own. “You have to understand my love; I don’t want to leave you but there’s nothing to be done.” He grimaced through another wave of unending anguish, stabbing his brain and thrumming through his entire body before trying to continue.  
Grace still had no words to offer, her grief was too profound. She also knew somehow that he was right.  
“Doctor, I know that you want to run several tests.” He paused for a moment to take another breath, giving Megan an opening.  
“Harold I do want to take some tests, would you please let me try to help you, please!”  
“I don’t think you can doctor… He smiled warmly at her.  
Megan was suddenly, somehow convinced that Harold had some kind of instinct or intuition about what was happening to him and that he knew something she didn’t know. She finally realized and accepted that he knew this was it. She didn’t argue further.  
“Megan, I want you to know that I…understand, how you feel... It’s not in your power to fix what’s wrong with me, you must know, it’s out of your control.” He smiled at her one last time then turned to Grace. “I will always love you, Grace, please never forget that, please live knowing that assurance always...”  
He closed his eyes attempting to figure out how to convey his thoughts to her and to Megan. For them to understand that he knows that what’s happening to him can’t be reversed or be altered by anyone. He had to make them understand that no one could do anything to save him. What was wrong with him was beyond anyone’s reach to repair.  
#  
When Harold opened his eyes, he was in the library. He sat in his chair at his desk with a cup of hot Sencha tea on his left and a sprinkled donut to his right. He smiled to himself as the teas aroma filled the air.  
“Finch?” John inquired, walking in from the stacks of books next to his most valued collection of rare first editions. “Are you alright?”  
“Absolutely Mr. Reese! Never better!” He sprang to his feet and took John into a tight embrace, twirling him around and squeezing a laugh from him.  
“Hey now settle down! You wouldn’t want to pull a muscle or anything!” John chuckled.  
“And why not John, that would be a vast improvement on what I’ve gone through the past few years!” He retorted with a mischievous grin and sat back in his chair. “Where is everyone?” Harold inquired.  
“They’re right behind me Finch, plus there’s someone special coming to see you.”  
“Oh?” He couldn’t imagine who John could be talking about but left the question in suspense.  
The gang rambled in, apart from Lionel, Sameen, and Bear and joined him at his desk.  
“Where are the rest of you?” He asked.  
“They’ll be along in their own time Harold, they’re not ready yet,” Joss answered.  
“But for right now we have a special guest, someone you haven’t seen in a very long time Harry.” Root answered happily.  
“I think you’ll be pleased Harold,” Elias added.  
“Hello, Harold.”  
As his three friends stepped aside Harold couldn’t believe his eyes.  
“Nathan?”  
“It’s me my friend, my how I’ve missed you!” The tall handsome Texan wore a broad grin and stepped in to embrace his best friend as he stood from his chair.  
Harold couldn’t stint the flow of tears that ran down his cheeks and he hugged Nathan close in return.  
“Nathan, I’ve missed you too.” Harold swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m so sorry Nathan.”  
“Sorry?” He smiled fondly, “Whatever for? You’ve done a far better job than I could have ever done, I’m so proud of you.”  
“Come now everyone, it’s time to celebrate!”  
As they all talked and caught up on things there was a warm sense of calm felt in the entire room. Harold was content with the belief that Grace would find someone worthy of her love and be loved in return. He had never in his life felt as good as he did this very moment. Free of pain and mental anguish once and for all.  
#  
The two women watched Harold close his eyes, battling everything that plagued his body and mind. Grace knew that he was right, that he wouldn’t be able to win this war that was robbing him of everything, including life. She watched the pain etched on his face varying by degree and was frightened for him. She didn’t want him to go, to leave her world again, she wanted with all her heart for him to live but understood it was hopeless. She just prayed that he would soon be at peace. She thought back to the good days when they would share an ice cream cone when they would walk hand in hand along the water. The quiet evenings snuggling on the couch watching an old film, having tea and scones at the breakfast table, kissing in the movie theater in the cover of darkness. She thought of everything they had that was again out of reach. She’s lost him again and the pain of that realization was devastating. She brought his hand to her lips and wept.  
Megan was distraught but accepted Harold’s word as truth. She couldn’t do anything but stay with them as the end drew near. She too wanted his torment to end. He and John had done so much for her in the past, she could do this for him.  
They watched in sorrow as Harold took his final shuddering breath. They were both so drained. Megan held Grace as she wept, her own eyes full of tears for long moments.  
“Please, Megan… I need some time with him.” Megan nodded and squeezed her hand then left the room.  
Grace went back to the bedside and placed her hands on either side of Harold’s still face and kissed him tenderly on the lips. She rubbed the lingering expression of pain from his features and wiped her tears from his cheek.  
“I will always love you, always. Thank you, my love, for sharing your life with me, for every momenrt we shared.” She looked at his motionless form, memorizing the features of the only man she had ever truly loved, thankful that he was finally at peace.


End file.
